


Searching for something that I can't reach

by F1DEL1US



Category: Hockey RPF, Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: Amnesia, F/F, Ghosts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-18 20:11:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14220867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F1DEL1US/pseuds/F1DEL1US
Summary: She doesn’t ask anyone what had happened. Not when she finds a strange necklace hanging around her neck, one she has no memory of acquiring. Not when Hilary asks her the strangest questions. Not even when she has the incessant feeling in the back of her mind that she’s forgetting something important.





	Searching for something that I can't reach

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saddestboner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddestboner/gifts).
  * Inspired by [the impossible is possible tonight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9028768) by [saddestboner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddestboner/pseuds/saddestboner). 



> Well, that was fun! This is the first time I am doing a challenge, it's also the first time I am writing a Women's Hockey RPF, and I was lucky enough to be able to write about two of my most favorite players (USA HOCKEY IS DO OR DIE!!!). Now that I've alienated all of my Canadian counterparts, some thanks are in order. Thanks to thesaddestboner for letting me remix their work, and thank you to My beta, as always for holding my hand through all my freakouts, writing or otherwise. 
> 
> Fic title from Ghost by Halsey because I'm funny that way.

Amanda wakes up to the sounds of sobbing and screams, and is half convinced she’s having a nightmare before the noises stop. 

 

“Oh my god. Oh thank god,” she hears Tara whisper brokenly and blinks dazedly. 

 

“Where...” she has to stop to swallow so she can speak through her suddenly parched throat. “Where are we?”

 

“Do you not remember?” Tara asks, a little hysterically. “There was a...and you were...oh god, Mandy. I thought you  _ died _ .”

 

Normally, Amanda would’ve scoffed and rolled her eyes at Tara’s dramatics but...but the thing is, she  _ felt _ like...well, she clearly wasn’t dead but...she felt displaced, like she wasn’t where she was supposed to be. 

 

She got to her feet, a bit unsteadily and much to her relief, didn’t make a fool of herself by falling over. Looking around, nothing looked familiar, she wasn’t sure where she was or why, but she knew that she didn’t want to be here, not for another second. Looking at Tara, she guessed she wouldn’t be of much help. 

 

“We should go,” Amanda says. 

 

Yeah. She needs to get the fuck out of there. 

 

\-----

 

She doesn’t ask anyone what had happened. Not even Tara. Losing your memory, which is what she seems to have done, isn’t something that will be brushed off as a result of seeing a ghost. 

 

Oh yes, Tara hadn’t been able to shut up about that, even if everyone had laughed it off. 

 

So she stays silent. Even when she finds a strange necklace hanging around her neck, one she has no memory of acquiring. Even when Hilary asks her the strangest questions. Even when she has the incessant feeling in the back of her mind that she’s forgetting something important, she keeps quiet. 

 

\-----

 

The thing is, in the year that has passed, Amanda had never once gone back to the Crossley building. Even if she didn’t know what exactly had passed, she knew that it couldn’t have been anything good, not if her mind had decided to block out the memories. So she had stayed away, made every possible attempt to not even pass by it, helped by the fact that it was located outside of the main campus. Or she hadn’t...until that moment. 

 

The freshman had arrived the previous week, settling into spaces that the seniors had left behind. And much to Amanda’s despair, the team had informed her that the one night stay at Crossley, one  _ Mandy and Tara _ had so rudely abandoned after a few hours, was a team hazing ritual. And it was time. 

 

She should have been smarter. Less quick to defend herself. Had a better sense of self-preservation. She should have done a lot of things. 

 

“Scared, Mandy?” Meghan teases, turning on the flashlight to make their trek easier to see. 

 

“No,” Amanda snaps. She’s more settled into the team now, knows that the teasing is good natured, but something about this place,  _ that _ building, has her unsettled and she finds she can’t be bothered to hold her tongue. 

 

“ _ Someone _ ’ _ s _ touchy,” Meghan snickers but thankfully drops the subject. 

 

And that’s when she sees it... _ her. _

 

\-----

 

She runs back home as quickly as she can, not even pausing to explain to her teammates where she was going. Fuck what they think, she has better things to do.

 

“Where’s Knighter?” she pants when she finds Tara in the living room who refused to even entertain the idea of going back to the haunted building. 

 

“In her room?” Tara says, before frowning and saying. “Did something happen? I  _ told _ you it wasn’t a good idea, Mandy, but...”

 

“I know, I  _ know _ ,” Amanda says, but explains no further as she sprints up, cursing loudly when her foot bangs against the last step on Hilary’s floor. 

 

“What the he...” she hears Hilary say as she opens the door. “Mandy? Is everything okay?”

 

“I remember,” Amanda says, pulling out the necklace she had worn for the past year, even if she hadn’t known whose it was or where it had come from. And the change in Hilary’s expression is instant. 

 

The thing is, a part of Amanda had hoped, however small it might have been that Hilary didn’t remember, that the looks she had seen directed her way, contemplative and longing, weren’t because Hilary remembered what had happened. Because if she did...if she  _ did _ , that meant Amanda had caused her pain without even knowing, all because she hadn’t wanted to dig deeper into her own curse. 

 

“I think you should come in,” Hilary says and steps back into her room, waiting for Amanda to pass through the door before closing it. 

 

Amanda turns around and watched her, unabashedly, something she never had the chance to do before, always afraid that she would get caught. 

 

Hilary steps closer and picks up the locket from her hand, “It’s been a year. I was losing hope that you’d ever remember.”

 

“I...” she starts to say, but has no clue how to continue, what to say. 

 

“I was waiting for some clue,  _ something _ to indicate you remembered, but you refused to even talk about it, so I thought maybe you changed your mind, you didn’t want me anymore,” Hilary says, anguish clear in her voice. “I just...you had this. So you must have known, right? Then why didn’t you say something? After a while...after a while I started thinking I hallucinated it all.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Amanda breaks in, unable to let Hilary go on any longer. “I had  _ no _ memory, Hils. You have to believe me. That night was just a blank until...until we just...” Amanda remembers the panic, the overwhelming guilt that had set in and the fear. She had to get away from that place, go somewhere safe. And so of course, she had ended up here. 

 

“Are you okay?” Hilary asks, with more urgency that she had a few minutes before. “Did you...did something happen?”

 

“No, no...nothing bad. We can talk about it later,” Amanda says, shaking the dread out of her mind. “I think we have something more important to focus on right now...that is,  _ if _ there is still something...” she trails off, not knowing if her brush with amnesia had ruined any chances she ever had. 

 

Hilary smiles then, something that lights up her entire face and sets Amanda’s heart racing, “Mandy, you can be  _ such _ an idiot sometimes.”

 

With that, she wraps her hand around the locked and tugs Amanda closer still. 

 

And they kiss, safe in the knowledge that this time neither of them will forget what happened. 

 

\-----

 

She hadn’t forgotten per se, but she hadn’t realized where they were headed until the building came into view. 

 

“Mandy?” Hilary asks, a quizzical look on her face. 

 

Amanda tears her eyes away from the building, attempting to clear her head. 

 

“Hey. Babe, are you okay?” Hilary asks, stepping in front of her and cupping her face, thankfully breaking her view. 

 

“Yeah..yeah, I’m fine,” Amanda says, smiling and giving Hilary’s palm a kiss. 

 

“Did you see something?” Hilary asks in a quieter tone. There had been a lot of questions, once she had explained what had happened on that night to Hilary, the parts she hadn’t been aware of. Amanda would never be more thankful than how she had felt when Hilary had heard the entire sorry story of her curse, yet had pulled her into her arms and murmured how much she loved her, and how this changed  _ nothing _ . She never imagined she’d ever have someone in her life who would understand or even believe what she is capable of, let alone find someone  _ because of it. _

 

“Mandy?” Hilary asks again, a frown marring her face now. 

 

Amanda glances behind Hilary, trying to see if she’d see  _ her _ again, but much to her relief, sees no one. In fact, now that she’s thinking a bit more clearly, she can feel that the building is different. Less dark, oppressive. Less haunted. 

 

“No,” she finally says, taking Hilary’s hand and pulling her in for a kiss. “No, I didn’t.”

 

She might never figure out why she was the way she was, but if that meant getting to have  _ this _ , then well...she’d take that trade. 

  
  
  



End file.
